Men’s room conversation.

This is not a place to scream or shout

This is an oasis where the big dicks hang out

How are you? Where are you from?

Look straight ahead as conversation is wrong

Keep aim true, blast armitage shanks

Too many shakes constitutes a wank

Empty your bladder and have a spit

Return to the toilet for a much needed shit

When I look in your eyes, I close both of my ears.

Way back when we met,
I listened when we spoke.
Few years back,
When we both used to smoke.

In those halcyon days,
Never did it clash.
Calling round to yours,
Beer’s and some hash.

From happily single to trapped in a room,
To sitting pretending to like a shit tune.

Thing’s went south and resulted in fears,
When I look in your eyes, I close both of my ears.

Gypsy’s in space

Nasa has claimed it spotted Knackers on Hubble,
Stephen Hawking’s said “Shit, Were in fucking trouble!”.
Direct message to the human race,
The Tinker’s are in outer space.
Wedding’s, fistfights, welfare on the moon,
Ballinasloe, lurchers and an Elvis tune.
Polaris, The Milky Way, Kryptonite,
The universe is one big halting site.
As a planet we cant take any more,
Its going to be a series on Channel 4

Dunnes Stores shoplifting princess

I fell in love in the beauty product aisle,
I spotted her robing razors with a radiant smile.
And looking back, it is very hard to believe,
The amount of stuff that she could fit up her sleeve.

“How will I ask her out?”, its going to be hard,
I could blackmail a date as a security guard.
And then one day as I followed her around,
The princess slipped up, and was dragged to the ground.

“This lady is innocent” to the Guard I protested.
“Doesn’t matter a fuck” as my love got arrested.

Ode to a battered sausage.

Slowly she lowered my sausage into the deep fat fryer,
“Oh, Would it taste any better with the temperature turned higher?”
“A playboy” the staff ponder as I order more coleslaw,
“I’ll have a snackbox, a rib-burger, and a club orange also!”
The paragon of Mallaghan’s, there is only one!
“I’ll take ketchup, mayonnaise , and onions on that bun.

Men piss on toilet seats

Men piss on toilet seats,
Its like marinating uncooked meats,
Whilst drafting 140 character tweets,
And whistling through our crooked teeth.

Evolution has caused this spark,
One more man who has made his mark,
Whilst pissing we also gaze at stars,
We will eventually get to piss on Mars.

Bruce Lee

My name is Bruce Lee,
I’m from Tullamore.
Karate is the key,
Cause life’s such a chore.

I’ll dance on your face,
I jujitsu the knackers.
Run and I’ll chase,
Cheese and Jacob’s crackers.

What Paddy Graham is to dancing,
I am to the martial arts.
No time for romancing,
Go away and suck a few farts.


There are Skangers on the Luas,
There are Skangers on the Luas,
Are they here to screw us?,
There are Skangers on the Luas.

There is paper in the jack’s,
There is paper in the jack’s.
Can I drop my cax?
There is paper in the jack’s

Diary of Diarrhoea

This world unforgiving, stains shamefully cruel,
The unstoppable force of loose liquid stool.
Hasn’t been due to any malicious intents,
Passport says incontinent on 4 continents.
Sometimes don’t leave the airports,
As liquid poo fills up my shorts.
Half cooked chicken as connoisseur diuretic,
Not making the toilet is not just theoretic.
The inevitable release, my sphincter’s a farce,
I can’t breakdance anymore, I just piss out my arse.