Some people who are close
Are slowly killing you
You only have one life
Be they family or be they friend
Put yourself on the mend
And get rid

Small town loser
Rarely left the comfort of the town
Acts like the local clown
Never learnt to drive
Never learned enough to warrant being alive
Life is dim and also grim
Better take that belly to the gym
Could save your life by learning how to swim
Small town loser
The world is out there
But you just sit there in the pub on a chair
Giving out and making excuses
This is where my argument introduces
Life is what you make it
And you have to make it
What are the options?

Galvins does good menswear, but far too expensive
Guy does OK menswear, decent price but poor quality
Lana does tasty food, am eating my way through their menu
Flynns do the best sandwich in town, used to be Sambodinos
Tesco ruined the town, as they always do
Athlone is a much better town to shop in
The county council charge small business’s too much in rates
Lee’s is the best pub in town, followed by Spollens
They should pedestrianize O’Connor Square
The managers and staff of all the Indian restaurants are sound
Carmines and Macaris do great chips
Carry Out is the best Off License
The town park is one of the few things the council got right
More to follow

There is only one left
Possibly now understaffed
Relying on poetry and comedy as his craft
The only one in the county
Like a novel by Emily Brontë
Shall seek further writings as my bounty
Born in the North and proud of my rich heritage
Trying to pass on my mesage
In a common language
Big plans ahead
Still alive not dead
Want my material to be read
I’m the only Mallaghan in Offaly
I take the job seriously
My brain is awake I am recently awoken
I am the last of the Offaly Mallaghan Mohicans

Don’t wanna know about war
Don’t wanna know about famine
Don’t wanna know about greed
I want to know what people need
Don’t wanna know about corruption
Don’t wanna know about the homeless
Don’t wanna know about addiction
I want to know about fact as opposed to fiction
Don’t wanna know about Trump
Don’t wanna know about American foreign policy
Don’t wanna know about inhumanity
I want a clear picture as opposed to the obvious insanity
Don’t wanna know about the false gods above
Don’t wanna know about evil, I just wanna know about love

Ah Liam
Ah Come on
Say you were drunk or out of your head
Don’t go down the racist road
Ya big eejit
Say you were on the piss
Say you had PTSD after Schindler’s List
Don’t be committing verbal sins
You had a great role in Batman Begins
You were even in Star Wars man
Retract what you said and stick to the plan
Just blame it on the dialogue in TaKKKen
Apologize and admit you were mistaken

Can I have a packet of Nurofen Plus please?
12 or 24?
24 please
Are you on any other medication?
No
Where is the source of pain?
In my lower back
Are you aware to only use for 3 days maximum?
I am
Are you aware the product contains codeine?
Yes I am
Are you at the moment worshipping Satan as your true and only God?
Funnily enough no.how many more fucking questions are you going to ask before you give me the fucking tablets?

Shishir so near
100 metres from my house
Lads don’t worry or hurry
With the flavors and spices in my curry
It’s always good
Indian and Thai restaurant
I give it a high five
Order any chicken, lamb or beef dish of your choice for €9.95
Assad and his team are all sound
As are the management and staff of Cafe India and Yaadgar
They come from India, Pakistan, Bangledesh, Nepal, and Sri Lanka
And I wanna thank ya
For bringing your food and culture to Tullamore

I have met a lot of assholes in my life
However meeting you was a new low
All you had to do was say not tonight lads
There are ways of doing things
But no
You tried to goad me into a fight
You insulted me
You look and acted like you were on something
And the thing is the Bus Bar is a fucking dump
I was just there to say Happy Birthday to someone
Lucky for you to afford to make enemies so quick
I shall dance on your fucking grave